Friday, January 23, 2009

HR's solution to financial crisis

An email i got today morning from my friends abt the financial chrisis.

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination) . Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can get.



Sunday, January 18, 2009

Satyam & Maytas...

I felt very bad and pitied at Sri. Ramalingaraju when i heard him imprisoned. Its not a joke to bring a company from a strength of 30 to 55K employees. Today morning i had seen thisnews at one of the news sites:
Raju, Satyam become butt of jokes!

Satyam Computer founder B Ramalinga Raju may have
left the company after disclosing India's biggest ever corporate fraud,
leaving thousands of employees, lakhs of shareholders and hundreds of
customers in the lurch but many are having a good laugh at his expense.

From parodies of nursery rhymes to funny SMSes, chain mails and
cartoons, everything is full of jokes lampooning Raju. While some are
saying that 'Satyamisation' has become a synonym for inflating profits,
others finding it tough to get a job because of bad reputation of their
employers are feeling 'Satyamised'.

The popular nursery rhyme, 'Johny, Johny, Yes Papa' has made way for
"Raju Raju, Yes Baba, Cheating us, No Baba, Telling Lies, No Baba, Open
your accounts, Ha Ha Ha".

Another rhyme, 'Humpty Dumpty, sat on a wall" has been popularized even
more with its Raju version: "Raju Raju sat up on the wall, Raju Raju
had a great fall, Balance sheet died, shareholders cried, Raju Raju
made a big fraud."

An SMS doing the rounds has a new full-form for Satyam: 'Stealing And Transferring Your All Money'.

One message points towards famous film-maker Ram Gopal Verma preparing
to make a movie on the Satyam saga: It goes on to say that Varma, who
was sighted inside Taj Hotel, Mumbai, after terror attacks there, was
seen at Satyam headquarters in Hyderabad last week.

An age-old TV commercial of a toothpaste has also been pulled out due
to a Raju connection. In its new avatar, Masterji says, "Raju tumhare
daant toh motiyo se chamak rahe hain? (Raju, your teeth are sparkling
like pearls), to which Raju replies "Chamke kyu na? maine apni hi
company ka paisa jo khaaya hai (Why wont they sparkle, I have gobbled
up my own firm's money).

Such a bad thing... so unfortunate... we all make mistakes.. and so he had... the onld diff is that his mistake had costed very others very hard. I think the above comments should not have been made.